We’ve talked about saying no to things that aren’t priorities and we’ve talked about breaking free from other people’s perceptions. But I know that saying “No” is really difficult for a lot of people, so let’s talk about how to do it.
Say it with confidence. You don’t have to say it harshly or meanly. You can say it pleasantly and with a smile but the confidence is key. Not feeling confident? Connect to your values and the important people in your life that you will get time back for by saying “no.” Is it possible that your “no” could possibly help this person?
Are you the only possible person who can help? No.
They can ask someone else and maybe it would be good for them to figure it out on their own.
Does saying “no” to them make you a bad person? No!
If your worth is tied up your ability to do things for them, I question the relationship.
If your positions were reversed, would you think less of them for saying “no” to you? No, you would understand.
I hope all those “no’s” gave you more confidence.
Assume that this other person knows how wonderful you are and that your “no” will not change that in any way. After all, if that’s not the case, what business do they have asking for your help at all?
Reconsider your urge to offer an explanation. You don't owe anyone an explanation. What you think is a nice explanation could be perceived as your uncertainty or as you needing their assistance to figure out how to fit them into your plans. For toxic people who love to cross your boundaries, it can become an invitation to challenge you.
Allow the other person to receive your message in silence. Silence is the magic that backs up your confidence. It allows the other person time and space to process. If they ask you why, decide how you want to answer that and keep it simple. You could offer something like, we have other plans (they don't need to know you might be planning to do nothing) but maybe next time (only add that second part if you want there to be a next time).
Here’s some examples of what your “no” could look like.
Let’s say you work in IT and you’ve been asked to fix your co-worker’s wife’s computer. Your “no” could look like:
I appreciate you thinking of me but that’s not something I’m comfortable with. I recommend you contact the manufacturer instead.
Let’s say you’ve been asked to host a pampered chef party. Your “no” could look like:
I appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m don’t want to host a party.
Let’s say you’re a teacher and you’ve been asked to tutor a friend’s child. Your “no” could look like:
I appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m not offering tutoring.
I hope those examples gave you some ideas. Did you notice that the word “no” didn’t show up in any of them?
I’ll be back tomorrow with another tip.
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