How many of us are driven to do things (or not to do things) based on our own perceptions of other people’s perceptions of us?
That was a mouthful! Here are some examples. Have you ever worked extra hard to get something perfect to impress your boss? Have you said yes to someone because you were worried it would make them feel bad if you said no? Have you ever not spoken up about your accomplishment because you didn’t want people to think that you were bragging?
Sometimes the stories come from inside our own heads, from beliefs we hold – maybe from childhood –that we apply to situations that don’t really fit. Maybe you were told that you were careless in checking your school work and that’s translated into perfectionism. Maybe you were told to be nice and that has translated into doing everything for everyone at the sacrifice of your own sanity. Maybe you were told that your success would make someone else feel bad so you learned to play small and stay quiet.
We all tell ourselves stories like this and usually the stories don’t have much evidence to back them up and fall apart under scrutiny. Why would your boss be impressed with perfection at the expense of progress? Why wouldn’t the person just understand if you said no? Why wouldn’t people be happy for your success?
These stories are worth scrutinizing and it’s ok to tell yourself new stories like: I’m going to do the things that make me happy and the people who care about me will be happy for me.
That story probably lands much closer to the truth than the others.
Sometimes the stories aren’t in your head. Maybe such things have been made very clear to you, even in your adult life, either said directly or strongly implied. I had a supervisor who regularly emailed at 3:00 AM. When we talked, I recall the look on his face as the realization struck him. It hadn’t occurred to him that his employees see his email as urgent. He was inadvertently sending the signal that we needed to be available at all times through his behavior. My next supervisor would have absolutely expected a 3:00 AM response. She would never say so directly, but she made sure you got her message in other ways.
But any which way – in my head or signaled, direct or indirect, implied or inadvertent – it was still up to me to use my power of choice to decide what I wanted to accept. After all, I get to decide what makes me happy and I get to create my own definition of success. I don’t have to take on anyone else’s.
So, what did I do? I left my work phone when I went to bed after that. My rest is important and anything else could wait until the next morning.
What pattern of thinking or behavior is intruding your life?
What perceptions will you break free from?
I’ll be back tomorrow with another tip.
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